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The Fat Tree

They looked so very happy.  He was holding her from behind, swaying to the music coming from the band playing on the outdoor stage ahead of them.  She would turn to him and they would kiss a bit, hug one another and then dance together some more.  They were probably in their early to mid twenties and it was a pleasure to watch them. 

I wanted to go talk to them, find out their story, and ask how they met and how long they had been a couple.  I didn’t.  I was with some dear friends and didn’t want to leave the wonderful spot that I was in listening to the same great band while I was soaking up the sun and the love from the friendship circle that I was with.

Why is it that some people so easily find a great partner while others seem to be in a holding pattern, circling around and around, never really finding a place to land…or someone to land on?  Grin.    Is it really as some say, that only thin and beautiful women get to have the dating/loving fun?  I hear so many women saying that they need to lose weight.  And when I ask them what losing weight would do for them, their answers are pretty standard.

“I could have a boyfriend if I were thinner.”

“I would have better self-esteem.”

“Fat people can’t get a good job.”

“I could have better clothes, nothing for fat people looks good.”

The list is long and distinguished and I am always willing to listen.  And then lovingly, am always willing to give the advice that I am CERTAIN they want from me.  Ok, so maybe not everyone is looking for my advice, but I generally offer it anyhow.

I like to say that you can hang anything on “THE FAT TREE”, but it is pretty crazy.  You know it, right?  The fat tree:  If I were thinner I would have better clothes, a better job, better sex, better friends, better anything.  So they hang everything on the “Fat Tree.”  And the tree shakes and shudders under the weight of all of the crap hung on it.

The reality is, when most of these people shed the weight, they discover that the thing that they most wanted to blame all of this on, the weight, was not really the culprit.  Hmmmm.  And if you are not fat, there are lots of other things that get hung on a tree as we try to blame our “lack” on something.  A short tree, a poor tree, and I’m not so smart tree, a bad upbringing tree…you get my drift.

Stop waiting.  Start living.  Right now.  Date.  Create.  Get motivated.  Take a deep breath and DO.   Whatever it is that you have really been wanting to do…just get out and do it.  Take a chance.  Be brave.  Tell yourself that there is no such thing as failure. 

I was reading on my Facebook page someone speaking about how horrible her life is.  She wondered aloud, could it possibly get any worse?  Then a few posts later, I see that she is battling a raging headache.  And the day before that, she had been sick.  And I thought that this is what happens to many of us.  We talk ourselves right into being miserable. 

If this is true…I believe that we can talk ourselves right into being amazing!  Try it. 

Oh, by the way.  The couple at the beginning of this post?  You may have had a vision conjured up in your mind about what they looked like.  I can assure you, you may have been wrong.  She was at least a full head taller than him.  And when he was standing behind her, you would not even have been able to see him.  She was a beautiful large girl and he was a darling smaller man.  She had to lower her head pretty far for him to be able to kiss her.  He would reach up and take her face in his hands and gently bring her down so he could love her.  It was a beautiful sight.  She loved him and he her.  And nothing else mattered. 

You see?  Confidence.  It is the best accessory you can wear.  Wear it well.

Talk to me here will you?  Give me your insight.  Do you put things on a “tree”?  Have you given that up?  Are you living an incredible life?  Do you feel miserable and uneasy?  Are you gloriously happy?  Do you feel less than?  Talk to me.  Others reading this will be inspired, or perhaps will resonate with your story and not feel so secluded.  Thanks for sharing.

With love from a confident big girl.  xoxo Wendy

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Comments:16

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  1. Moe
    09/05/15

    Greetings! This is a great post. I am no stranger to hanging things up and taking them down from the “fat tree”. I think we all have this internal evolution where we mentally torture ourselves. Thankfully, I do it less. And when I do it, I’m more apt to notice and correct myself than when I was younger. I think it’s important to accept how we feel but to also rationalize that it won’t last for long and that we ultimately are in charge of where our feelings lead us. Like anything else, it takes practise. :)

  2. Jen
    09/05/15

    Aaaaah the Tree! So many times I wanted to hang myself from it rather than my issues. I made a choice. I gave up the issues rather than give up myself.

    The tree was cut down, received a decent burial then was smothered in the emotional weed killer that is joy and gratitude so it will never grow back.

    The tree is dead. Long live the beautiful, powerful and joyous being that is me! And as a gloriously single brave hearted woman I can say I am all these things because my opinion of myself is the ONLY one that matters :)

  3. elisa
    09/05/16

    Wow I feel amazed & inspired by your message. Thank you so much first of all.
    2nd of all I want to answer your questions that i feel called to. Honestly I keep looking in the past, and admired how i used to be. I always used to say i would never regret things or go back to the past, but I can’t get over that Feeling to live like i did before, I had so much fun, and all the wonderful people i met, are all pretty much gone. They just dont fit my present moment now. Im so different now, and feel like no one understands me, I dont even know if I understand me, I’m getting to know the new me that is always changing in some way! So I feel I’m in the air, I’m slowly getting grounded, by meeting new people on my vibration, and living my life with my new way of approaching it. I want to be in love, like the love you described, Live my life purpose just by being god thru me as me, but just me. I want to help people, have fun with people, uplift people, be a true friend, comfort, joy, live life magically always, in all that i am uplifted. I guess i need to find my new magick, or let it find me?
    well good to get that out.
    thanks again
    elisa ;)

  4. Kandi
    09/05/16

    I love the article, as you put it many people have a “tree” to put things on. I have stated in other posts it is not for me a fat tree but gleaning knowledge from your article helps with the other “tree” in my head. Sadly though I have many. Your article has helped me with a struggle I have been having. Like most of the time your articles seem to hit home with me everytime.
    Thank You!
    Oh as for the couple, I know them, I see them on the streets and in my own family. I look at them and say if she can do it then why can’t I. It was not said to be critical of the person. I have a very good friend that is overweight and she is with a man that is very small beside her. She is I think 6′ and he is about 5’9″ as well. There are many differences in their size not just weight and she has found the man of her dreams. Okay so maybe not prince charming but is there really such a thing? But for her, he is perfect. It was not the size that made me think if she can I can, it is that with their differences they are so compatiable. If she can find someone to look past her faults (which we all have) and love her then so can I.

  5. Lee Papa
    09/05/16

    Great article – as always and wonderful comments too. Wendy, your articles, your words, your insights have a way of connecting us all. There is a common thread that we share. Today, it is the crap-tree! Yes, I too had the heavy burdens of issues hanging on my tree that would bend and torture the limbs of my tree so much that I felt so weighed down and angry or put upon. I can look back on my life and see when I cut off the alcoholic father excuse from my tree, the lack of college education from my branches and so on. Wow, how light and breezy I became over time. Because that is all they are – excuses. If we tap into the idea that all the things that “happen to us” are our doing by unconscious manifestation or by pre-life mapping, there is a lesson to be learned or knowledge to be gleaned that we chose. We chose! So, what are we learning? I ask myself that question every chance I get. Yes, we have freewill and we have the ability to change things and us. We are powerful beings. Where there is light, no darkness can be found. When I am faced with a less than positive situation, I visualize bursting myself into white light and love and I quickly notice that the things, people or situations that may be darkness move away. Namaste’

  6. cupcake larue
    09/05/16

    hi, wendy – i LOVE your stuff (read that however you wish!) …
    i have a new coaching client – a woman who is legally blind. she’s LOVELY and has had myriad husbands and relationships and is actually someone i’ve known for many years and watched and waited – in hope that “someday” she’d understand HER role in these failed relationships. well, when she recently was laid off from a job, she began to take time and figure things out – and she “got” the “why” and responsbility in the relationships. but now she struggles with the problem of “self consciousness” and feeling less confident … hmm … as her vision shifts and continues to diminish, even though she’s beautiful and vivacious and outgoing and SMART (omigod, she’s smart) and degrees of great merit, she is VERY self conscious about her vision putting her in a situation where she can’t always recognize people – and feels less confident AS she’s feeling self conscious. i asked her. if you were NOT self-conscious, where would your consciousness BE? woudl you want to be UNconscious? she thought about that – and then i asked “IS your current feeling of self-consciousness REALLY tied into your level of CONFIDENCE? do they HAVE to be in the same breath?” this really struck her HARD – because she knows that, right now, she just needs to retool her life and career to feel CONFIDENT – and she KNOWS she’s worthy of all that can come her way. so we talked and figured out something she’s willing to do with her outgoing self. at the myriad networking events she attends, she’s going to create a different nametag … one that says: “come a little closer, i can’t always see you!” – she’s got a GREAT sense of humor and now understands that having this set her apart THIS way is positive and puts her OUT there vs. reducing her and hiding her. SO MUCH of this applies to anyone of “size” who feels “less than” because they – oh, i don’t know – may take up more space? hello!!! you can’t HIDE! you’re big and beautiful. BE that. if you’re self conscious – note who owns the consciousness – your SELF! i am a big beautiful woman – okay – viking goddess – and one i GOT that i cannot “hide” nor camouflage my bodacious self to look like a size 8 – i stepped forth and it’s pretty darned cool to KNOW that my presence is noted when i enter a room. that shift in my head changed EVERYTHING. and you know what? it UPPED my confidence. it added to my energy and how i CHOOSE to be … come on – it’s something any one of any size or shape or visual acuity or whatever can tap into – and, dare i say it, wendy? Live the life of your dreams!! yah-baby! :)
    xox
    cupcake and her bodacious larues!

  7. carol
    09/05/16

    Hi My Beautiful Friend

    Once again your words continue to inspire me and re-enforce the fact that regardless of all the outside “bark” the inside of the tree is fabulous and beautifully grained with all that we bring to the world.

    I believe in being the best I can be every day – regardless of my size. This doesn’t mean I have to be perfect or over the top involved in making sure all is well, it means that I bring my inner, polished veneer to all that I do in my life and I am respected, admired and loved for ME! I also believe we make choices in our life and that these choices will either bring about positive results or add to the “tree”. Do what you can and want to accomplish and realize that some things are out of our control and may not happen. In the meantime enjoy every breath that you take and know that you bring so many wonderful qualities to the world and the world is better for you being here.

    Fat Tree? Not me! I prefer the “tree of life” with all its complexities, joys and beauty. Branch out and stretch – you can reach further than you think.

    Wendy, you are a part of my life that sparkles and shines and makes me smile and I am so lucky we met and became friends. Keep on spreading the “good stuff”.

    Joy and Passion – Carol

  8. Marykay
    09/05/16

    The Preakness horse race was run today. The winner was a HUGE mare. The rest of the pack were male. The second horse just a smidge behind was a TINY stallion. Funny. That would be my husband chasing me. I’m SO GLAD he was persistant and caught me. We are that odd couple and he taught me that all those things I have been hanging on that fat tree are things that I created. Sure, others planted the seeds, but I fertilized them with my own thoughts. Now, he has been a wonderful support for me, but the strength came from God, who had planted it within me and I didn’t cultivate. Its easier to stay in bed and “woe is me”, but it is so much more fun to enjoy the beauty of our lives. The first thing in the morning, I thank God for 5 things. The last thing I do at night is to thank God for 5 things that He helped me accomplish that day. Your posts are a consitant reminder to me that we must remain positive about ourselves. God doesn’t make mistakes and there is a reason we have what we have. I have a wonderful home, husband, friends, job, and person. … me. .. Warmly, Marykay

  9. B in MI
    09/05/17

    I love reading your articles! I am happy to say I gave up using the “tree”! I was in a marriage for 16 years that all I heard was that I looked like Jaba the Hut and how I needed help for my issues. It was so bad that I would get out of the shower and lay naked on the bed only to be told I had a problem, I was a nympho. He would then get on the computer and look at internet porn and tell me how he wished I looked like that. I never thought I could be happy because of my weight. I know I am rambling now but the point is, through my job I met a wonderful man who treats me like a queen! We have a hard time being in the same room without touching! When our eyes meet there is an instant smile and feeling that we can do anything as long as we are together. Even with our financial problems right now we don’t take things out on one another. I realized through him that I could have my cake and eat it too! I am now “fat and happy”. I am proof that Cinderella was a fat girl!

  10. fB
    09/05/18

    I definitely have stuff hung on that tree. You can say I’m miserable some times. Most of the time I’m neither miserable nor happy. There are other times when I feel I couldn’t be any happier. I wouldn’t say it’s only about the weight, but weight is a part of every day life. It’s always there when I wake up and there when I go to sleep. The only good thing is most of the time I don’t pay attention to anything.

    I’m lucky enough to have an awesome husband. He always tries to tell me that my weight doesn’t matter to him. That’s not the point, it matters to me. But some how not enough for me to change it. I guess I live underneath that tree a lot, I just day dream it away.

  11. Wendy
    09/05/18

    Oh how I LOVE these posts that you leave for everyone to read. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read and shop here.

    I receive many wonderful comments on my personal email and I have asked permission to share some. I want everyone to read the beautiful thoughts that people are sharing.

    Here is a great one:

    Wendy – what a beautiful story! It puts it all into perspective.. My tree has carried many things and I am glad that the seasons are changing and the leaves have fallen off allowing me to start fresh. I am ready to bloom. :) . Your story inspired me to believe again and know that everything is meant to be. Thank you…. Serina

    Thanks Serina. Even though we have just met…you amaze me. Such energy. :)

    Thanks again to all of you. Keep on sharing and growing and learning about the true meaning of loving yourself.

    xoxo W

  12. brandi
    09/05/20

    It has taken me years to start learning that just because society calls me fat doesn’t mean I am worthless or ugly. I still have my bad days and we all do I’m sure. But I’m a college student with a wonderful husband who happens to be shorter than I am and I’m working a job that I can learn and grow at before I settle into a legal career that I’m studying for. I want to learn to DJ and be in a band and play roller derby and I will not let my size get in the way. All of my male friends seems to prefer girl with curves and a little extra weight and I know some of my skinny girlfriends are jealous of my boobs that they don’t have. Honestly, its not blondes that have more fun…its “fat” girls who can love themselves!

  13. Laurie
    09/05/21

    My mantra is ” attitude is everything!” Few of us like change. Many put up with terrible things because they are familiar. We at least know what to expect. Change can be scary. Results unknown. However, the only failure is failure to try. Try to become educated, to end destructive relationships, get control over our finances or to live a healthy life style. The best way to try is to choose to do one thing at a time. There is an old expression “How do you eat a whole elephant?” The answer is one mouth full at a time.

  14. Nizza
    09/05/21

    My tree hung low from all the crap that once weighed it down.

    I’ve always been big. In the fifth grade not only was I the only girl in my class who wore a bra, it was a 36D and I weighed around 175lbs. Children are vicious and it didn’t take long for me to learn to hate my body rather then embrace it.

    Four years ago I had a job that kept me on the road. I ate junk constintly, lived in and out of ratty hotels, gorged myself on mini-thins and other energy pills and lived an all out unhealthy lifestyle because of the job I had. Because I was living so unhealthy, I lost all my weight. I became skinnier then I had been in the 5th grade. 160 lbs may not seem little to most skinny girl out there, but to me that was skeleton thin. And along with being thin I was also miserable, my face was sunken in, an all of my assets that I did love about myself drooped and faded.

    Long story short, I got pregnant and gained back every ounce of my weight plus about 50 lbs more. I went from being the skinniest I had ever been to now being the biggest I have ever been. Alongside of that, I have gone from being the most depressed I have ever been to now being the happiest I have ever felt. My boyfriend is the muscular type, the kind of guy you would see with the little 90 lb blonde girls but he adores me for me. He reminds me everyday of how beautiful and amazing I am. Today I actually recieved an email from an artist who is known for his work doing plus sized pin up models offering me an opprotunity to model. I never thought in a million years I was model worthy but now with my growing self-esteem I am begining to look myself in the mirror and see how beautiful I really am.

    That tree, it’s still there but now it grows tall as I take the weight of things off of it’s limbs. And I grow stronger right along with it.

  15. Luz
    09/06/05

    Loved your article. I quite find myself a gorgeous woman -modesty is not my forte- and do not get too hung on my weigh. I have recently started dating a wonderful man and we just cannot keep our hands off each other. I often see younger persons looking at us in the street, I am a full figured woman and he is a very tall and fit guy, a bit older than me. I guess some people feel that people our age (40-60) shouldn’t be nibbling each others ears in public, but I just think that is this sweet way young people think they have the monopoly in love and romance, not a reflection on how much I weigh or anything like that.
    Anyway, it is funny because my boyfriend has not yet met my friends (long-distance relationship). So when I told my friends I was dating this tall sexy man they were all very happy for me and supportive and kind. But whenever a take out his picture and show it to a friend (he is tall, with green eyes, a strong jaw, a wonderful warm smile) EVERYONE reacts with a ‘whoa, he is really good-looking’… believe me, it is true surprise, they are not just flattering my beau. And I cant but wonder if they thought that just because I am a large woman, I would be dating a chubby guy with no chin and extra thick glasses? Not that I wouldn’t, and I have, I dont give much of a f*** about appearances, but this ‘whoa, he is really cute’ is starting to rub me just the wrong way.

  16. Kim
    09/06/20

    hey, I just finished reading this article and i couldn’t agree more! I myself am a healthy 250+ lbs and for a long time I never thought I’d be happy, and I blamed my body (looking back on it now, I can’t understand why I’d do such a thing, but its true). That was untill I met the love of my life; and we look just like the couple described in the story (exept he’s the taller one). And, just to confirm, he LOVES my body, can’t get enough! We’ve been together almost 2 years now and he’s talking about getting married. But the point is, Wendy, you’re absolutely right. Size does not define us, we do. I just wanted to thank you for putting this into words and a story that we girls can relate to. And for reminding us that we can do whatever it is that we strive for. Much love!

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